Simon Maier draws on his 23-year career to pass on 100 lessons in corporate communications in
a new book that casts a mischievous eye over the events sector. Paul Colston flicks through the pages.
“The rationale for the new book,” event communications expert Simon Maier tells CN,
“is that many of the situations I’ve experienced in the corporate world
are 100 per cent as in the book. Not one ‘story’ has been made up. I
have always considered corporate communications a brilliant source or
combination of clever thinking, brilliant strategies, total idiocy and
ignorance – more or less in equal measure.”
The Diary is a
journey through the first job in corporate communications made by young
Arthur Shilling, who joins a multinational bank. Part Gareth from The
Office, part Diary of a Nobody (Grossmiths), part Diary of a Madman
(Gogol), part William Boot from Waugh’s Scoop, Arthur is thrown into
situations both real and surreal as he adapts to this new world.
Maier
held senior positions with several international agencies and the
device of a diary style of conversation with a university mentor gives
the book a racy readability, although such is Maier’s infectious manner
of packing in the information and insights, one feels occasionally that
Arthur is wise beyond his years: a Shakespearean expert, fluent in
German with an intimate knowledge of Pink Floyd and real ale.
The
advice to young Arthur from his mentor is top drawer consultancy and a
real primer for anyone interested in a quick ‘How to’ on Social Media or
making corporate videos. There are wonderful vignettes both amusing and
useful for those planning public speaking and executive forums.
Cultural
differences are explored with special relish and humour in the book:
“When it comes to greeting with a kiss on the cheek, the Scandinavians
are happy with a single kiss, the French prefer a double, while the
Dutch, Belgians and Arabs for a triple. The Brits either avoid kissing
by standing back or will surprise you with a double. The Australians
and Americans are continually confused about greeting kisses and bump
noses as they fumble their way through a single peck”.
Another
extract runs: “In Japan, make sure your shoes are clean. Every time a
Japanese person bows he or she (allegedly) inspects them.”
The
names in the book (no doubt to protect the innocent) are straight out of
the pages of Dickens. We have a Mr Flattergleich as Head of
Communications, PR girl called Gloria Mishmash, Jenny Barstiff, Mrs
Sourdough and “Raspberry Jenkins, an event producer most arrogant”.
Maier gives us an exciting taste of the travel involved in some major corporate events, visiting the USA, Dubai and China.
As
well as numerous pointers on good communicating, Maier reminds us of
George Orwell’s six rules of clear English that many in the event sector
should note:
1. Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print
2. Never use a long word when a short one will do
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active
5. Never use a foreign phrase, scientific word, or jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent
6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.
Far
too few novels have successfully tapped the rich seam of life contained
in our £36bn UK events industry. We need more communicating a la Maier
and, maybe, Russell Brand could appear as Arthur, who knows?
The Diary, by Simon Maier, is published by Marshall Cavendish Business. ISBN 978-981-4361-08-8. Any comments? Email pcolston@mashmedia.net
